For a long time, I have described myself as an everyday man:
I run half-marathons, I tweet at mascots and occasionally watch the latest Maroon
5 music video because it’s powerful and a banger. But adding to that list of
everyday things is my recent signing to the “We Got Runs” - an intramural
softball team in Chicago.
I retired from softball back in 2012, after the Two Dog
Specials lost in the Championship game at the infamous Sports Complex in Elgin,
Illinois. Now, contrary to what you may have heard, my retirement had nothing
to do with the fact that the winning team brought in a ringer who hit a
walk-off homerun in the title game. That is just not true. I walked away
because I felt it was time to hang up the jersey and walk away.
That itch never goes away though. After becoming a big city
boy last year, I vowed to start my journey back into softball. A long, hard
journey that included signing up on website and sending my friend money has
finally concluded. Am I worried about the press that I will be getting walking
up to the plate for the first time in six years? No. I am more worried about my
rust affecting the team.
I have a few goals for myself this year: I want to be a good
teammate and a leader; I want to have fewer then 5 errors this season; I want
to not get caught taking steroids (if my career goes that route); and MOST
IMPORTANTLY, I want to get on base all the time.
You may have heard through the grapevines that I have run a
half-marathon in, what some would call, and incredibly fast pace. Running,
though, is an individual sport. Softball is more focused on the team. The team
needs my speed on the bases if we want to get runs. Since runs is in our name,
I feel that they are important to winning,
Baseball nerds created a statistics to track how often
someone gets on base, calling it On-Base Percentage. According to the old Google
machine, it is approximately equal to Times on Base/Plate appearances. The full
formula is OBP = (Hits + Walks + Hit by Pitch) / (At Bats + Walks + Hit by
Pitch + Sacrifice Flies). I feel I can get on base 75 percent of the time, so
.750 base percentage for all you math geniuses out there. Let me remind you no
major league baseball player has ever done this. That is a tough feat to reach,
but, by golly, I think I can do it.In
fact, I think I will do it.
But this isn’t for me, remember. It’s for the team.
You know, looking back it is a little shaddy that my last post included calling out Jesus. Kanye West, famous for saying "Slavery was a choice"- that happened since the last time I posted- once said "They said we can (blog) about anything, except for Jesus." So I suspended myself from posting for a few weeks or months. Whatever. I have learned to keep certain people's names out of my blogs. One of those names is not Thomas Ian Nicholas, don't worry. #IHateThomasIanNicholas
But anyway, my suspension taught me a couple of things:
1. I can run a half marathon VERY fast. I participated in the Brew City Half Marathon in Milwaukee in less than ideal conditions. It was raining. It was cold. The World Series would not have been played in this weather, but I still ran it. And I ran it in 1:45.46. That's fast. Just think if the conditions were perfect. Oh GAWD. I am not a very confident man, but I think I could have finished within the top 25 if it was sunny and 75. But in these BRUTAL conditions, I originally finished 69th in the race- NOT A JOKE. Instead I finished 70th because I can't have nice things.
2. "13 Reasons Why" season 2 is worth it. By worth it I mean I watched it alone and when one of my roommates caught me, I confessed right away to what I was doing. Not a good look, I admit. However, I finished it and let me tell you, SPOILER ALERT: the last episode includes 100 percent less suicides than the first season.
3. I think about this blog more than I should. I have thought of about 20 blog posts and just didn't post them. I mean I couldn't do them because I was suspended. But suspensions are made to be followed, so I allowed the boys upstairs to feel powerful. Just know that AS A BEARS SEASON TICKET HOLDER I love every single draft pick
Ok, well, I am back and let me tell you..... It will be as average as ever.
I'm catholic, so I spent Easter feeling semi bad about noT attending church before going to my Grandparents for brunch.
You know how some people will call New Years Eve "Amateur Hour" because they spend all year getting drunk and don't waste it all on just one night? I think Easter is the same way, but for the church going crowd. That's why I don't go. Well actually, I don't go to church at all during the year. But I for sure don't go on Easter because: 1. I am already confirmed; and 2. I am not going to fake it on the biggest day of the year. If Jesus did rise on Easter and went to Church in Elgin, Illinois, he would spend ten minutes giving everyone a high five, and then the next two hours calling me out for never going to church. I ain't about to be roasted by Jesus on Easter.
That's not the reason for my writing, though. I need to share what will always be my favorite Easter story.
Every year at my Grandparents, the children/ adults who haven't married their significant others yet are treated to bags full of candy. They even go all out and hide the bags in their house and tease people for not being able to find them.
This year. though, there were no bags. So, my grandpa called all the kids to the dining room to explain what was going on this year.
"So, every year we put out a bag of candy for all of you to find on Easter. This year, Grandma and I decided to not hand out bags. We do have candy for Dylan (my niece who is 2) and (he said some name, but I had no idea who is was.) We have put out candy on the table for everyone to enjoy. We are really sorry, but Grandma and I are short on money this year."
You could hear a pin drop. My grandpa just put it all out there, explaining to kids between the ages of 6-12 that him and my Grandma were making cuts to the candy budget this year and these kids would have to miss their annual Easter bonus.
While these kids were collecting their thoughts/ trying to figure out how to explain the shortage of Reese's Cups and jelly beans to their families, my cousin Kristi's youngest son yelled:
"Great Story."
I cannot explain to you through writing how perfect that moment was. I haven't stopped thinking about it. Total euphoria. In fact, I thought i was dreaming when it happened. No way could something so funny come from a 7 year olds mouth. My sister turned to me, wondering if she had imagined it all as well, and we both started laughing so hard I thought I was going to puncture a rib. I don't think tears have ever come out faster. I cried when the Cubs won the World Series but it took time to sink in. This took no time. This was the greatest response to anything I had ever heard.
By the way, my Grandpa did have bags of candy for all the kids (not me, though, which is bullshit). It was all an April's Fools joke. But this 7-year-old upstaged him, and I can only imagine that my grandpa laid awake last night planning his revenge on the kid who ruined the joke he had planned all year.
Golly, I love baseball. Some people call it boring. Some people think it's too long. Pshh. I want as much baseball as possible. Put it in my veins. Seriously. If I am dying, find a way to stream Game 7 of the 2016 World Series into my body. Let me die in peace.
With baseball starting, a lot of experts are making their BOLD predictions. Who will win what, which players will have break out years, why the Nationals will win a playoff series. They are also BOLD predications because they put them in BOLD.
I can do that too, but that's too easy. That's not my style. Instead, for all you non-baseball fans, I have done a little research on each team that will help you make your predicitions for the seaason.
American League
East
Blue Jays- My second favorite team because I bought a shirt with their logo on it. I feel like it's fair to call them my second favorite team because: 1. they haven't won the World Series in over 20 years; and 2. they are in Canada.
Yankees- They have picked up the NL MVP in a trade with the Marlins. Which is strange because the Yankees aren't known for getting some of the biggest names in baseball to join their teams. Also, the Cubs would have beat them in the 2003 World Series.
Red Sox- Their in ability to make it out of the first round of the playoffs the past few years has basically made them the Nationals of the American League. The Cubs would have also beat them in the 2003 World Series.
Rays- I will never support this team since they took the Devil out of their name. I get it, some people can't support the Devil. That's fine. I am just saying that if the World Series was played on Easter, this move would have made more sense.
Orioles- I have never been to Baltimore, but I own an Orioles little league jersey. So naturally, I support them.
Central
Tigers- I have driven through Detroit, so I am #DetroitTough. I have no idea if that is a real hashtag, but I feel that it should be. Plus, I have watched the rap battles from 8 Mile like ten times, so I know what it is like to be from there.
Royals- Look, I shouldn't get too invested in what teams play on their PA Systems after wins. But, the fact this team doesn't play Royals by Lorde is dumb. Adding that song to the Post-Game Party would add like five wins per year.
White Sox- More like Whit SUX. Between you and I, it will be fun to watch some of their young players grow and develop this season. However, if you tell anyone that I will deny that and tell you the Sox are dumb for rebuilding.
Indians- Speaking of adding wins, the Indians finally are removing the racist Chief Wahoo from their hats. Look out baseball, the Indians are no longer racist.
West
Athletics- I have read and watch the movie Moneyball, which makes me like a top five A's fan. As a top five fan, I cannot name you one player on this team. Barry Zito?
Mariners- I have visited Seattle before, and seen the original Starbucks. With that said, I have a solid feeling that the Mariners are going to finish 81-81.
Astros- Have fun with that World Series Hangover!
Rangers- I have already done 14 teams on this list, and this is the fourth team that Brian Fahey has claimed to be a fan of at some point.
Angels- Need an old School Devil Rays vs Angels match up in the ALCS. Christians vs Satanist. Blood will be running in the streets. That is what baseball is all about
National League East
Nationals- I own a shirt with the racing presidents, but don't let that fool you. Nationals fans heckled me when I saw a Cubs game there in 2016. In fact, when I was walking around DC before the game, people asked me if the Cubs were going to play scared (aka walk Bryce Harper.) I don't even hate the Nationals, but Nationals fans keep trying to fight me. Also, I know MLB.com National's Beat Writer, Jamal Collier. He never answers my mail bag questions, but I know he sees them.
Phillies- Is it weird if I get a Jake Arrieta phillies Shirt Jersey? Follow up, are Shirt Jerseys bad? I feel like they are more comfortable and you can wear them year long. Some people shit on Shirt Jerseys and I just want to be comfortable, you know?
Braves- Another young team on this list. I actually like the Braves. Why? I don't know. It's easily one of my least favorite Pixar movies, but the team is ok. Also, I own a Braves jersey. Again, I don't know why.
Mets- Fuck Daniel Murphy. Yeah. I know he is on the Nationals. Still.
Cubs- I am not bias in saying this, but this is the best group of guys out there. I can't wait to tell my kids one day about watching them win the World Series. It will be similar to the way many fathers tell their kids about the Bears winning the Super Bowl. So many books and movies will come out about that 2016 team, and I will buy them all. I don't care. Cardinals- They hacked into the Astros database and the MLB barely did anything. Any win they have from now on should be vacated. In fact, move the team. Get rid of them.
Brewers- I hardly know hers.
Pirates- In 2013 when the Pirates faced the Cardinals in the the Post Season, the one Pirates fan I knew cursed out my girlfriend (I have a girlfriend) for being a Cardinals fan. That is the same dude who, AS A HUGE PENGUINS FAN, said he didn't really care about winning the Stanley Cup in 2016 because "he had already seen it happen." That man has ruined the entire organization for me.
Reds- Real talk, I think the Reds will surprise some people this year. However, Skyline chili is disgusting and until the remove it from their city limits, this team will NOT win a World Series #sabermetrics
West
Rockies- Their mascot is cool and they invested the term Rock-tober. So yeah, I like the Rockies.
Get Ready for Rock-tober
Padres- Before 2016, Cubs fans hated the Padres because they beat the Cubs during the 1984 postseason. What a weird city to dislike. San Diego? Imagine hating a city famous for its Zoo and the one season the Real World filmed there.
Giants- My friend Ryan and I watched the Cubs beat the Giants during the 2015 season. The Giants loaded the bases with no outs in the 9th inning, only to have Rondon strike out the side. I also lost my debit card in the morning. It's a memory I will never forget.
Dodgers- I have a friend who lives in LA and works for a film studio. I'm basically hollywood at this point.
Diamondbacks- I can never hate the Diamondbacks because they have a pool in their right field bleachers. Let me rephrase that a pool WITH A LIFEGUARD. Imagine how many kids a year come close to drowning because some tenneager is watching the game? Actually don't. That's a depressing #sabermetric
The time has come, people of this blog, to take on an epidemic that is hurting the nation. More specifically people in their mid-twenties living in large cities. The issue is sweet. The issue can be endless. The issue is bottomless mimosas.
Because all tragedies touch people more with a personal experience, I'll share mine. Just days after my podcast co-host, Brian, told me bottomless mimosas had hurt him more times than not, I partook in a brunch celebration. By celebration, I mean my guy friends and I got brunch (aka Brunch Boyz). I was the first to arrive because I show up early for everything, and once seated I glanced through a menu trying to figure out what I would enjoy. My waitress, aka drug pusher, then informed me there was a bottomless mimosa deal for $15. thank information was the equivilant of giving me a taste of heroin. To make the situation worse, there were four different juices that went along with this deal. I couldn't not try them all. What am I, a monster? Side note: My power ranking was Mango, Peach, Orange and Strawberry.
The deal lasted four hours, roughly 17 years in mimosa time, and ended my night short. That's right, the always exciting Oscars were cut out of my life this year because of this "deal." You can't just relive the biggest night in Hollywood.
There are a lot of problems in America, and by serving me a bottomless beverage ON A SUNDAY, you made sure that I did not buy groceries, thus hurting the economy. You made sure I didn't watch the Oscars, thus hurting ratings. You made sure I wouldn't stop talking until I fell asleep, thus hurting who ever is around me. You hurt MILLIONS of people- give or take- because of this deal.
I am a victim now of bottomless mimosas, and I have struggled with telling people about it. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday scared. Not even the late night showing of Guy's Grocery Games could make me happy.
The time is now people; it's a call to arms. No more will we let a deal ruin our days. No more will we miss out on opportunities because of one (economically) logic choice. No more will we have to drink copious amounts of champaign to power rank juices.
Again, my ranking was Mango, Peach, Orange and Strawberry. Mango is the be all end all.
I beg of you to warn your friends and children about these deals, before it is too late.
Guys, it's time to address something in my life: I believe in ghosts. If that is a deal breaker with you, well, please still visit this site. Need to get those click rates up. However, you can just skim my writing, you don't have to read it.
My first experience with ghosts came when I was 7 and going to my bedroom. The house I grew up in was built in the early 1900's and was originally apartments for people. Basically, everyone had their own room and would share a bathroom. That's crazy, am I right, Ladies?!?!
Those two facts mixed together are the perfect recipe for a haunted house. Back to the night when I was 7, I looked to my left before entering my room only to see what I thought was a ghost walking towards me. I'm not kidding, this happened and I think about it daily.
The ghosts weren't dicks or anything. Many weekend nights as I was the only one still awake (night owl, what up ladies) I would hear what sounded like foot steps upstairs. I thought it was my sister, but once she moved out, I still heard the footsteps. Again, this is a fact.
Well, now I am a city boy and live outside of the dirty 847 (aka Elgin, Illinois.) No hauntings have happened in my new place, but that may be because my complex is a little younger and ghosts already have so many cool places to haunt in the city.
My new theory, though, is that when I moved out so did one off my ghost pals.
"Ghost pals? Are you kidding Kyle?"
Hell no. I addressed issues with my car yesterday. If you missed my humble brag about driving while also saving the environment, give it a once over. But basically, in the past six months, my car has broken down numerous times only to have it be completely fine the next day. I even take it to the experts, and they claim my car is fine.
Like I mentioned in my article, my car broke down on my way home two nights ago. Battery died and everything. Today, I took it to a different shop, explained my problem and waited. Well, good news, they have no idea what is wrong either. They have checked everything, and even cruised the streets to make sure it was "driving fine." I partly think they went on a Ferris Bueller type adventure with my Honda Civic, but that is a story for a different day.
Now I am racking my brain to figure out what could be wrong. Faulty wiring? No one sees it. Bad luck? Athletes taught me you make your own luck. God getting his revenge after I blamed my "D+" in eighth grade science on him? This is possible, but NO.
It's ghosts. As pointed out by my girlfriend's brother, a comedy ghost with a sick sense of humor.
Why a ghost? Like I said, I grew up with these guys. When I finally decided to take the next step and move into the city, they didn't want me to leave and jumped into the car with me. I don't know a ton about ghosts, but I think they can't haunt a building they have never been in. Why a car though? Well because Cars spelled backwards is SRAC, which stands for Sabbath Rest Advent Church (in Germany) and we all know ghosts can go into any church!
My Car Ghost is the same as my House Ghost- playing tricks on me to get scared, but in the end loves me. Car Ghost wants to make sure I get places safe, but also go on an adventure every now and then. Car Ghost moved to Chicago with me to get into the hot comedy scene that is in the Second City. It is only fair of me to play along and let him (or her) chase his (or her) dream!
I don't like throwing around the fact I have money. It's embarrassing and people often think differently of you when they realize that you have built up a savings account to a respectable level. I look at myself as en everyday man, and everyday men don't always go into their Chase Bank account multiple times a month to transfer money for fun things.
(Me after putting some money into my savings account)
How so? Well, late last year, I took my annual Christmas bonus and put it towards my car payment that I had going for the last three years. My christmas gift to myself was finally saying that I owned a 2009 honda Civic- the gift that keeps on giving.
(I got this year's model because, much like me, it topped out in 2009)
Yes, the car used a lot in the original Fast and Furious was now mine. I could cruise to Niles, Illinois, blasting my NPR Podcasts, knowing in the back of my mind this was my car.
My car, though, drives me crazy. See what I did there?
So a few years ago I popped a tire on the way to work. It was in the midst of me working about 4 part time jobs, and was just 24 hours after I had just won two Fantasy Football Championships. Just a subtle brag that I am a winner and had at that time received a good chunk of change into my bank account. That money would soon be used for a new starter, however, because after my tire was replaced, my car refused to start.
Fast forward to the next year, where my car acted like a diva again and had some trouble running. Women, am I right? This time it was the battery, but everything was gucci once replaced. Basically, my car wanted a new outfit and I got it for her. She deserved it.
This is when my baby truly decided to start acting her age- I have owned it for nearly 3 years so this is its terrible-twos phase.
In September, I had to give out cubs tickets because it refused to start. After that was fixed, in October because it again sounded awful when I was driving it and got more parts replaced. Then on Valentines day I had to cancel plans because it had to be towed out to where my car had been fixed before to get a new battery (by the way, this was after i had been told a week earlier by the same people that my car was fine). Then, just a few weeks before her third birthday, it died on my way home. That was last night.
So basically, in the past 6 months has had to go in 6 times to get checked. I'm not a father, but I am pretty sure babies don't even go to the doctor that much.
You are probably thinking "Kyle, is this another ' Why I hate Myself' blog?" No. Those are reserved for when i truly hate myself, not my bitch ass car.
Instead, this is more of a reason to explain to you that sometimes the rich get richer. My latest car malfuntion allowed me to sign up for the getaround app- where you rent a car for super cheap. With my pick of the liter, I went for affordable, as well as enviromentally friendly car.
That's right. I am now driving a prius with a California liscen plate. Eat your heart out. (Side note: no idea what that means.)
(Hi Haters)
Sorry ladies, I am taken.
Today, in the pouring rain, I drove to work almost feeling like I was cheating on my car. Sipping coffee and listening to the latest updates from cubs camp felt a little different. It felt so wrong, but yet so right. Plus, i was driving in a different area code, so it's technically not cheating.
This morning, though, I reflected on my car, how it has caused me to scream and punch the steering wheel, and ask God why he has done this to me. But everything happens for a reason.
Now my baby is taking a day to rest and I am driving in luxary.
