Golly, I love baseball. Some people call it boring. Some people think it's too long. Pshh. I want as much baseball as possible. Put it in my veins. Seriously. If I am dying, find a way to stream Game 7 of the 2016 World Series into my body. Let me die in peace.
With baseball starting, a lot of experts are making their BOLD predictions. Who will win what, which players will have break out years, why the Nationals will win a playoff series. They are also BOLD predications because they put them in BOLD.
I can do that too, but that's too easy. That's not my style. Instead, for all you non-baseball fans, I have done a little research on each team that will help you make your predicitions for the seaason.
American League
East
Blue Jays- My second favorite team because I bought a shirt with their logo on it. I feel like it's fair to call them my second favorite team because: 1. they haven't won the World Series in over 20 years; and 2. they are in Canada.
Yankees- They have picked up the NL MVP in a trade with the Marlins. Which is strange because the Yankees aren't known for getting some of the biggest names in baseball to join their teams. Also, the Cubs would have beat them in the 2003 World Series.
Red Sox- Their in ability to make it out of the first round of the playoffs the past few years has basically made them the Nationals of the American League. The Cubs would have also beat them in the 2003 World Series.
Rays- I will never support this team since they took the Devil out of their name. I get it, some people can't support the Devil. That's fine. I am just saying that if the World Series was played on Easter, this move would have made more sense.
Orioles- I have never been to Baltimore, but I own an Orioles little league jersey. So naturally, I support them.
Central
Tigers- I have driven through Detroit, so I am #DetroitTough. I have no idea if that is a real hashtag, but I feel that it should be. Plus, I have watched the rap battles from 8 Mile like ten times, so I know what it is like to be from there.
Twins- And the twiiiiiins.
Royals- Look, I shouldn't get too invested in what teams play on their PA Systems after wins. But, the fact this team doesn't play Royals by Lorde is dumb. Adding that song to the Post-Game Party would add like five wins per year.
White Sox- More like Whit SUX. Between you and I, it will be fun to watch some of their young players grow and develop this season. However, if you tell anyone that I will deny that and tell you the Sox are dumb for rebuilding.
Indians- Speaking of adding wins, the Indians finally are removing the racist Chief Wahoo from their hats. Look out baseball, the Indians are no longer racist.
West
Athletics- I have read and watch the movie Moneyball, which makes me like a top five A's fan. As a top five fan, I cannot name you one player on this team. Barry Zito?
Mariners- I have visited Seattle before, and seen the original Starbucks. With that said, I have a solid feeling that the Mariners are going to finish 81-81.
Astros- Have fun with that World Series Hangover!
Rangers- I have already done 14 teams on this list, and this is the fourth team that Brian Fahey has claimed to be a fan of at some point.
Angels- Need an old School Devil Rays vs Angels match up in the ALCS. Christians vs Satanist. Blood will be running in the streets. That is what baseball is all about
National League
East
Nationals- I own a shirt with the racing presidents, but don't let that fool you. Nationals fans heckled me when I saw a Cubs game there in 2016. In fact, when I was walking around DC before the game, people asked me if the Cubs were going to play scared (aka walk Bryce Harper.) I don't even hate the Nationals, but Nationals fans keep trying to fight me. Also, I know MLB.com National's Beat Writer, Jamal Collier. He never answers my mail bag questions, but I know he sees them.
Phillies- Is it weird if I get a Jake Arrieta phillies Shirt Jersey? Follow up, are Shirt Jerseys bad? I feel like they are more comfortable and you can wear them year long. Some people shit on Shirt Jerseys and I just want to be comfortable, you know?
Braves- Another young team on this list. I actually like the Braves. Why? I don't know. It's easily one of my least favorite Pixar movies, but the team is ok. Also, I own a Braves jersey. Again, I don't know why.
Mets- Fuck Daniel Murphy. Yeah. I know he is on the Nationals. Still.
Marlins- The fact they built a beautiful home run statue, and are now going to remove it is blasphemy. Teams in Florida, man. I don't get it.
Central
Cubs- I am not bias in saying this, but this is the best group of guys out there. I can't wait to tell my kids one day about watching them win the World Series. It will be similar to the way many fathers tell their kids about the Bears winning the Super Bowl. So many books and movies will come out about that 2016 team, and I will buy them all. I don't care.
Cardinals- They hacked into the Astros database and the MLB barely did anything. Any win they have from now on should be vacated. In fact, move the team. Get rid of them.
Brewers- I hardly know hers.
Pirates- In 2013 when the Pirates faced the Cardinals in the the Post Season, the one Pirates fan I knew cursed out my girlfriend (I have a girlfriend) for being a Cardinals fan. That is the same dude who, AS A HUGE PENGUINS FAN, said he didn't really care about winning the Stanley Cup in 2016 because "he had already seen it happen." That man has ruined the entire organization for me.
Reds- Real talk, I think the Reds will surprise some people this year. However, Skyline chili is disgusting and until the remove it from their city limits, this team will NOT win a World Series #sabermetrics
West
Rockies- Their mascot is cool and they invested the term Rock-tober. So yeah, I like the Rockies.
Padres- Before 2016, Cubs fans hated the Padres because they beat the Cubs during the 1984 postseason. What a weird city to dislike. San Diego? Imagine hating a city famous for its Zoo and the one season the Real World filmed there.
Giants- My friend Ryan and I watched the Cubs beat the Giants during the 2015 season. The Giants loaded the bases with no outs in the 9th inning, only to have Rondon strike out the side. I also lost my debit card in the morning. It's a memory I will never forget.
Dodgers- I have a friend who lives in LA and works for a film studio. I'm basically hollywood at this point.
Diamondbacks- I can never hate the Diamondbacks because they have a pool in their right field bleachers. Let me rephrase that a pool WITH A LIFEGUARD. Imagine how many kids a year come close to drowning because some tenneager is watching the game? Actually don't. That's a depressing #sabermetric
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