FBF: Fredbird Fridays

I'm a Clark the Cub guy, through and through. I don't mess around with my mascot love. So FBF, formally known as Flashback Friday for the Millenial crowd, will now be known as Fredbird Friday where I let people know just how much I hate this stupid bird and his terrible dancing that takes place in St.Louis. 

via GIPHY

FBF Issue #1- He gets away with too much

Back in the winter of 2014, the Chicago Cubs announced that a new member was joining the team that had failed to win a World Series in 100 plus years. He wasn't going to be the most talented player to dawn the uniform, or even the most likable, but he was going to be there through thick and thin with a full no trade clause. His name was Clark, and he took the number 1.

Did I like him at first? Nope. Not one bit. I was working in a cubical in Naperville a year after college and my favorite team sucked; there wasn't a ton of things I was going to like at that time. And how did they try to make me feel better? They got a mascot. 

Much like my feelings on Fan-Cams, I did not like mascots at that time. 

However, like any good baseball fan, I did a little bit of research into Clark- his history, his stars, basically whatever the internet could provide me- and I convinced myself he would turn things around. He was going to change the clubhouse, and make sure that Wrigley Field saw brighter days. 

Most people didn't dive in deep to his analytics like me though. They were basically the scouts in Moneyball, judging him by his look.



He looked scared. Not too sure of himself. Oh and he also didn't wear pants.

People brought up the pants thing like it was the biggest scandal in the world. No Pants? THE CUBS ARE MONSTERS.

You know who else doesn't wear pants? Fredbird! But he keeps on keepin on at Busch Stadium. People even make their own Fredbird at the Build-a-bear in the stadium!

People are all of a sudden so anti-anti-pants? Blasphemy. 

This bird struts his stuff with no slacks and a jersey and people are willing to let it fly- great bird pun. 

Also, is anyone going to talk about how he tried to kill me? This dude is basically OJ at this point, MINUS THE PANTS. At least OJ wears a pear of slacks when he POSSIBLY murders someone.

Look, I have no problem with no wearing pants. And we all know mascots, much like athletes, politicians and movie stars, run on their own separate rules. But FBF is here to expose the man behind the suit. To let people know that FredBird ain't all that hot. 

This bird doesn't fly with me!

Breaking News: I am a Model

Haven't blogged in awhile; the life of a Bears Season Ticket Holder and NCAA Athlete have had me busy. I don't really want to add more to my plate, but sometimes duties call. Just like today. 

This afternoon I did one of my top 5 favorite things in the world to do, get a haircut. I used to hate getting a haircuts, I won't lie. But thanks to  SuperCuts (you guys can pay me for sponsorship later), I have found a stylist who has perfected my hair. 

My hair means a lot to me. It's a beautiful beast not many have tamed. I basically was on the hunt for someone who could cut my hair without making it look like a bowl cut for 12 years, and my journey ended last year. 

On a normal day, I think I am a solid 6-7. I'm humble.

Today though, I may have bumped those numbers up. 

It hit me, after my scissor/ razor on my neck/ shortening of the sideburns cut that I get, that I was looking nicer than normal. After the shampoo and rinse, I was a new man.

I was a male model.

Look at that guy: Gap shirt; Beats by Dre headphones; and perfectly quaffed hair. Did someone open up a Teen Beat magazine or the blog notorious for talking about a video game from 2006? 

You know what makes me stand out though? My every day look. Couple of pimples, or blemishes as they are known in the "biz." Also, probably no surprise to anyone, I drive a Honda Civic. Just your stereotypical guy.

It's tough to find time for everything, but that's what I do for my fans. 

Oh, and I eat salads for lunch. I'm perfect. 

Starburst Has Started A War

On the evening of December 15^th, I made a stop at a Jewel Osco in Niles, Illinois. My motive was to pick up wine and a birthday card for my roommates birthday, before her party that night. Because I had accomplished the task in a timely matter, I had decided to snag a pack of delicious Starburst- the original kind, none of that gummy bullshit.

Starburst is my favorite candy. I could probably buy a pack every day and not be mad about it. That’s not the point of this story though, so lets move on.

I wish the story ended with me driving to the restaurant Duck, Duck, Goat- I go to nice places sometimes- and enjoying a great meal after snacking on some Starburst just a little earlier. But it doesn’t and thus begins what may be the end of my Starburst dedication.

I had opened the pack and noticed that some of the normally juicy pieces were a tidbit hard. I ignored that because love knows no bounds.

Just before entering the on ramp to I-94- shout out to Illinois drivers- I ingested a certain Starburst flavor that will not be disclosed at this time. After two chews on the left side of my mouth, the candy switched to the right side and scratched the inside of my cheek. You read that correctly. A starburst punctured my body, replacing the savory, juicy taste of my favorite candy to the taste of blood.

I know we are all thinking the same thing: was this a personal attack on me? I want to say no, but I have been talking a lot about starting twitter wars. I have followers in the hundreds and Starburst hasn’t been making headlines lately. So, let's not rule out this company targeting a top customer in order to gain fame.

After doing a little bit of research, I also noticed that the company directs North American consumers to contact their location in Peoria. I have visited Peoria a few times and one thing that constantly stands out is that it houses numerous Cardinal fans. Again, going back to my twitter, I have always been a strong Clark the Cub Enthusiast. Fredbird,the mascot for the St. Louis Cardinals and by far the worst mascot in sports, could be behind this as well. I mean it makes sense. He was trying to take me out by placing a sabotaged product in a location that is KNOWN for my legendary story about the Cubs Mascot. Fredbird is stupid, but he may not be dumb.

Also, this could be the work of the Pink Starburst. I have long attacked what I consider the most overrated flavor in the pack. I have called it my least favorite, but in actuality I think it’s just very subpar. I have been a Pink Starburst truther for a while, and that flavor could have tried to take me out the other night. 

Or it could have been the Yellow Starburst, knowing that I was about to reveal my true feelings that it was the worst flavor. Starburst, I suspect, live by “Prison Rules.” You have to take out the baddest person in the “yard” to gain respect. I have personally funded the college education of 50 Starburst Employees’ Children, so it only makes sense to try and make a splash with me.

I don’t know; I am lost and confused. Starburst has been such a go-to for me and I feel betrayed. I think a lifetime supply of Starburst would help heal my wound or a fair trail against Fredbird.

Heisman Hunt: Summer in the 'Paign

If you missed my commitment to college and NCAA football, check out the post here.

Walking onto the campus of University of Illinois was a little surreal. I mean, I have been there plenty of times, but virtually is a whole new ball game.

I don't have to deal with quad-sitters or the millions of squirrels walking around. Instead, I get to bury my head into my playbook, look up stats from around the NCAA on my computer, and get the Daily Illini delivered weekly from inside my dorm room.

These sweet new digs are basic, but more than I deserve as a walk-on.

The walk-on role has been scuffed at a couple of times, and I agree that I am not on the same level as much of my teammates. Not quite as athletic, not quite as fine-tuned, but as a 26 year old, I can buy them all beer.

But the bonding didn't happen in the bars. It happened in between the sidelines on the practice fields. There were already three quarterbacks in Coach Zook's system, but that just means more skilled NCAA Athletes brains to pick.

Anything from when to call audible to what were their favorite pre game songs were discussed in the Quarterback room. While some kids were running through sprinklers in the hot summer sun, I was running through play calls in an AC controlled room.

I’m not quite sure what broke for me though. I had it in my mind that I would be sitting throughout my freshman year, and possibly even be cut- that's life I get it. Each practice, though, I just started to pick up steam, connecting more and more with the receivers, and moving up the depth chart.

It took the help from HB 30, Junior Running Back, to take me to the next level. Having a reliable player to check down to, and rely on for big chunks of yards on first and second down gave me confidence to air it out. Once I had him in the backfield, I saw the look of hope in Coach Zook's eyes that I never saw in my high school coaches.

About two weeks before the season, as I was talking with my QB Coach about adjustments to make, Coach Zook called me into his office. Overlooking Memorial Field, Zook sat across from me describing some of his goals as a Head Coach. One of which was breaking the National Championship drought here in Champaign.

He then paused. Turned his chair to towards me. Looked me into my eyes and said "I believe you can lead us there. We need you to be a starter game 1."

When I described my dream of becoming a star NCAA athlete to my friends and family, I was laughed out of the room. When I turned down three programs to take a walk on role at Illinois, I was called dumb. Now, though I was just named the leader of a Big Ten program looking to take it to the next level.

I found myself back in my room the night before my first big game. Summer has been over for a few weeks, but the fun is just about to begin.

Heisman Hunt: The Commitment

Not many people would believe it by looking at me and learning about my eating/drinking habits, but after high school colleges didn't exactly come calling for me to sign scholarships.

True shame.

So, 8 years after hanging up the volleyball shoes (I don't think there is a cool way of saying that) and 12 years after calling it quits on my football career, I had awaking. In the best shape of my life (I ran a half marathon, please don't ask me about it), I decided to take the steps at becoming a college football player.

I know what you're saying:"Kyle, it's just not possible." Wrong. There are steps every man and woman can take to make this dream become reality.

1. Run a half marathon- it builds confidence;

2. Tell your mom you are about to become famous- famous people call their shots;

3. Pull out your PlayStation 2, Find NCAA 06 and let the thrill begin.

Now, I don't want this to look easy. I had to go to a GameStop by my home in Chicago and ask if they had any memory cards for PlayStation2. Classic nerds told me to get out of their lair and give up my hopes.

I didn't though. I just went online and bought the memory card COMPLETELY LEGALLY! Then, I bought a new controller because everyone knows the key to success is buying new things COMPLETELY LEGALLY from china. Big ups to two fellow mid-20s people from across the globe that have most likely updated their gaming stations and sold their controller/ memory card for dirt cheap to any sucker who would buy them.

Adversity in my review mirror, I then informed my girlfriend that I was re-enrolling school and making a big lifestyle change. But, before she could wish me good luck, I also informed her I would be doing it on a full ride scholarship for football and walked out of our kitchen.

That walk- from the kitchen to the bedroom where my PS2 awaited- was one of the longest of my life. Plenty of time to reflect on some of my past mistakes on the grid iron and just why I lost the love of the game (it was mainly a lack of talent.) I vowed to stay in this state of mind for the next three/four years.

But there I sat, on the foot of my bed looking unto the field of a unnamed high school, listening to an older coach - who I can only imagine strictly goes by coach-  was informing me that all the big time college coaches were there and this was my final shot.

Not new to me though (SEE ABOVE ABOUT ADVIRSITY)



Jump to 1:10 in the video to see coach give his inspiring speech. Weird that a fellow kid at my tryout posted everything on youtube, but hey it's a new day and age.


Shoulder pads locked in place and helmet snapped on, I made the decision to become the pocket passer my family had always dreamed of seeing. Side note: kicker was not an option for me, but not by choice. If it available, I would have done that.

Ten throws to complete strangers determined which schools would take a chance on a 26 year old with a minor drinking problem. And, well, I was rusty. Not the showing I wanted, but this is real life, you can't just hit the restart button (I really should have done this). Some teams were still impressed with my inspirational story though, and offered me full rides:

1. NC State

2. Cal

3. Arizona State

All fine schools. All willing to pay for my education in the hopes i can return their schools to glory. My heart wasn't fully into them though. I couldn't just go somewhere against my will.

After plenty of thought, I decided to stay close to my family and attend THE Univeristy of Illinois at Urbana Champaign and try to accomplish the impossible: win a National Championship.

Coffee Corner: R.I.P Twitter Wars

Twitter Wars are dead. D-E-D type of dead, and this is my first sense that I am old.

It's my "hot dogs used to cost a nickel" moment that hit yesterday.

The Chicago Cubs twitter has been doing superlatives for the each of their players this offseason, calling on the fans for "funny" suggestions. They will then pick their four favorites and put them to a fan vote.

I have not submitted any ideas until yesterday when Ben Zobrist was the Cubs "Subject of the Day. "

If you don't know, Zobrist is one of the older members of the team, a family guy, his wife is a christian singer- so a pretty squeaky clean image for the 2016 World Series MVP. My idea was to poke fun at that persona that he displays in the public.

Pretty to the point. I should have said, "Most Likely to Remind The Teacher They Forgot to Assign Homework." But whatever; you win some, you lose some.

A few hours passed with random notifications trickling in from strangers liking it. I'm not going to lie, I scrolled through the mentions to see how mine stacked up against other superlatives and I was up there in terms of likes. Completely bias opinion, mine was the best that didn't include a gif.

Quick side note: a lot of the suggestions weren't that creative. One of the most favorited was "Most Likely to Change the Bryzzo Co. to BryzzoBRIST"- with a GIF from the famous commercial where he LITERALLY did that. He isn't likely to do that, he did that. I guess know your audience, but at least mine was a little outside the box.





Anyway, while I was at the gym- I work out- I received another notification informing me someone responded to my tweet.

Oversight on my part because the orange slice thing literally happened.





While I will reference shitty pop culture/ cubs history a lot, I was furious this guy took a shot at me. I pumped some iron (aka ran on the elliptical) thinking of how to respond to this new enemy and came at him soft.

My hope was that he would start to debate me and we could go at it. He would say "That is Dumb" i would make another terrible joke. And it would end with one of us blocking each other.

But nothing happened. No response. Nothing.

This man picked up his stuff and left it at that. I guess he won because I did not receive anymore likes, and I do not think I made the final cut for the fan vote. What I was hoping though was this could be an early 2010's fight.

I have gone to war with Cubs twitter before, when they thought I was supprting the Cardinals when I was in fact being self deprecating. I argued over mentions with Illinois Basketball Hero Tyler Griffey over me saying he couldn't read. I even went back and forth with a former roommate over him trashing our apartment. These are moments that make twitter great and I feel like, for the most part, people are avoiding them.

I think this may be why twitter stock took a hit. I have seen Wolf of Wall street plenty of times, so I know how the Stock Market works. Twitter Wars and Jonah Hill getting naked at a party is what that company needs to sky rocket and make a profit. That idea is trademarked.

If you would you would like to engage in a twitter war, feel free to tweet at me @kylemi99. Hopefully, we can make Twitter Wars Fun Again.

STH for GSH: Nagy Named New Coach

As a Season Ticket Holder, I am impressed.

This is a big day for the blog. Never in the last week did I think the Bears would act as quick as they did to get a new coach. Call me crazy, but I figured this search would go to at least the Super Bowl with a half dozen reports coming out that coaches turned down offers/ weren't impressed with what the Bears had in mind for the future/ wouldn't do the stupid mock press conference. You know, usual shit.

Matt Nagy comes to town from Kansas City, but you already knew that. Lets do the first, and hopefully last, Season Ticket Holder Scout Package.

From a Former Team Standpoint: I was texting a good friend who is a big Chiefs fan- I have sources, whatever- and he said: "If you get Matt Nagy as your next coach, you're getting a steal. Offensive Genius." Granted this was before the Chiefs lost against Tennessee, but I know this guy and he always stands by his word. I have no idea what my source's background is in both offensive knowledge and theft, but I will take his word.





From a Facial Hair Standpoint: Many people have been pointing out over the last few years that in order to win in Chicago, you need facial hair. Ditka (mustache), Ozzie Gullien (goatee), Coach Q (Mustache), Joe Maddon (old man beard)- all of them check out. Nagy rocks a bald head, but has one of those beards that starts out of nowhere. It's going that extra mile for a championship that I think will help him succeed as a head coach.





From a Headline Standpoint: I am somewhat a journalist in the sense that I actually went to school to become one. Being around both the broadcasting and print side of things teaches you that a good pun can go a long way. The new head coaches name is pronounced the same way as "Naggy" (curveball, I know). So a lot of "Nag, Nag, Nag" headlines will be written if the coach fails or even succeeds. "Don't Be So Nagy,"  and "Old Nag." Basically the jokes are writing themselves, and this will make the media really appreciate the new hire. We all know if the media likes the Bears Head Coach, then the Super Bowl titles come rolling in.





From an X's and O's standpoint: I have no idea.





Overall Season Ticket Holders Point of View: For this, I have to take into account all the standpoints I have presented this morning: You have fan support out the wazoo; facial hair that both meets the requirements of a coaching legend yet also makes him stand out; and a name that will make headline writers drool over the next 20+ years (no idea what his contract is.) X's and O's are for other people to dissect. I will be watching from Section 439, and from there you don't judge X's and O's. You judge the atmosphere and your beer consumption. I believe this man can help make the fans Shake the Lake and drink more out of nervousness/excitement as opposed to drinking to forget you are at the game.





Final Rating: The Bears are BACK!

BSH for GSH: Attractive Coaches. Wait...

As a Bears Season Ticket Holder, my first year was a little rough. A lot of mistakes that will haunt me this offseason, but in general you can build off of those errors. That is what you like to hear from a rookie making the next step to becoming veteran.

I guess the biggest change I will see in year two is a new coach manning the sidelines. A new leader of men, telling the troups that kickers don't matter (something, I don't agree with.)

With the search under way The Ten-Yard Line pointed out that Maybe the Bears Head Coach Job Isn't As Attractive As we Think:

"The Chicago Tribune’s football big-wigs contacted 20 front-office employees, head coaches, coordinators, and position coaches to find out the answer to that very question. The 20 NFL employees ranked the six teams with known coaching openings from most attractive to least attractive: 

1. Raiders: 102 points
2. Lions: 96 points
3. Giants: 69 points
4. Colts: 59 points
5. Bears: 57 points
6. Cardinals: 37 points"

Is that a rough look? No doubt. Do I want to make a 69 joke? You bet, but this isn't the time or place.

The Season Ticket Holder Title is in jeopardy if this how people see this franchise. But, that was one thing this poll didn't take into account. So, as dedicated as I am, I did some research, judged these top six jobs and ranked them in order of which fan base the coach should want to coach for.

6. Cardinals (originally 6)-

Plenty of fine people in Arizona, but they don't show up until December. Snow Birds, No problem? Wrong. No home field advantage for 2/3rds of the season will hurt you. Tough first step to take for any coach.

5. Lions (2)

If you are looking at the dedication of a franchise, look no further than the Lions who have these two patrolling the end zone.

However, this is the same franchise that would kick these two guys out of a game for being themselves.

 


Would you kick Michelangelo out of the Sistine Chapel for painting? This rough look lowers the division foe in the rankings.

4. Colts (4)

You want a franchise that will rally around even some of the most overlooked players. Colts fans show dedication to anyone who is a class act on the field....

With that said, they also chased the same legend into an early retirement....



You can't have your top players retiring early and think your job is secure. Next.

3. Raiders (1)

I want to make jokes about this team finally climbing out of the hole only to fall right back into it, but I am scared an actually Raiders fan will read this hunt me down.

What is nice about this job is that you get to move to Vegas in two years and build a new group of Raiders Fans. Bad news is, according to research I have personally done for this blog, after the first week in Vegas, you feel kind of weird still being there. Plus, no official word if the new location with have the official Raiders cheering section the Black Hole.

2. Giants (3) 

With two championships in the past 11 years, the Giants' faithful have had plenty to cheer for. A coach will walk into a situation where the fans will welcome him with open arms, ready to win. I think the ready to win attitude will hurt him though. Finish 9-7 behind the Eagles and Cowboys and miss the playoffs, you will be outed. That's a lot of pressure. What I like about these fans though are that they are willing to sacrifice an old man's life in order to beat Green Bay. Need that.

1. Bears (5)

Look, even as a Season Ticket Holder I wanted to put the bears #3 or #2, but I can't. Objectively speaking whoever takes over the position needs to do two things to make fans happy: Let Mitch chuck the ball 50 times a game and go 7-9. Oh god, how great would 7-9 be? Some hope beyond October, little playoff talk, a reason to wake up early on a Sunday to drink besides simply trying to avoid the scaries that the day brings. I honestly think if you go 7-9 at this point, a statue of you outside of the Solider Field will start to be discussions.


I'm bias though. These jobs all come with their own challenges and benefits. From my Section 439 view, all head coaches look the same and everything seems perfect.

I just think its time the Chicago Tribune takes the fans into account and adjust their ratings accordingly.