Starburst Has Started A War

On the evening of December 15^th, I made a stop at a Jewel Osco in Niles, Illinois. My motive was to pick up wine and a birthday card for my roommates birthday, before her party that night. Because I had accomplished the task in a timely matter, I had decided to snag a pack of delicious Starburst- the original kind, none of that gummy bullshit.

Starburst is my favorite candy. I could probably buy a pack every day and not be mad about it. That’s not the point of this story though, so lets move on.

I wish the story ended with me driving to the restaurant Duck, Duck, Goat- I go to nice places sometimes- and enjoying a great meal after snacking on some Starburst just a little earlier. But it doesn’t and thus begins what may be the end of my Starburst dedication.

I had opened the pack and noticed that some of the normally juicy pieces were a tidbit hard. I ignored that because love knows no bounds.

Just before entering the on ramp to I-94- shout out to Illinois drivers- I ingested a certain Starburst flavor that will not be disclosed at this time. After two chews on the left side of my mouth, the candy switched to the right side and scratched the inside of my cheek. You read that correctly. A starburst punctured my body, replacing the savory, juicy taste of my favorite candy to the taste of blood.

I know we are all thinking the same thing: was this a personal attack on me? I want to say no, but I have been talking a lot about starting twitter wars. I have followers in the hundreds and Starburst hasn’t been making headlines lately. So, let's not rule out this company targeting a top customer in order to gain fame.

After doing a little bit of research, I also noticed that the company directs North American consumers to contact their location in Peoria. I have visited Peoria a few times and one thing that constantly stands out is that it houses numerous Cardinal fans. Again, going back to my twitter, I have always been a strong Clark the Cub Enthusiast. Fredbird,the mascot for the St. Louis Cardinals and by far the worst mascot in sports, could be behind this as well. I mean it makes sense. He was trying to take me out by placing a sabotaged product in a location that is KNOWN for my legendary story about the Cubs Mascot. Fredbird is stupid, but he may not be dumb.

Also, this could be the work of the Pink Starburst. I have long attacked what I consider the most overrated flavor in the pack. I have called it my least favorite, but in actuality I think it’s just very subpar. I have been a Pink Starburst truther for a while, and that flavor could have tried to take me out the other night. 

Or it could have been the Yellow Starburst, knowing that I was about to reveal my true feelings that it was the worst flavor. Starburst, I suspect, live by “Prison Rules.” You have to take out the baddest person in the “yard” to gain respect. I have personally funded the college education of 50 Starburst Employees’ Children, so it only makes sense to try and make a splash with me.

I don’t know; I am lost and confused. Starburst has been such a go-to for me and I feel betrayed. I think a lifetime supply of Starburst would help heal my wound or a fair trail against Fredbird.