Welcome Back, Baseball

Baseball is back!

Golly, I love baseball. Some people call it boring. Some people think it's too long. Pshh. I want as much baseball as possible. Put it in my veins. Seriously. If I am dying, find a way to stream Game 7 of the 2016 World Series into my body. Let me die in peace.

With baseball starting, a lot of experts are making their BOLD predictions. Who will win what, which players will have break out years, why the Nationals will win a playoff series. They are also BOLD predications because they put them in BOLD.

I can do that too, but that's too easy. That's not my style. Instead, for all you non-baseball fans, I have done a little research on each team that will help you make your predicitions for the seaason.

American League

East

Blue Jays- My second favorite team because I bought a shirt with their logo on it. I feel like it's fair to call them my second favorite team because: 1. they haven't won the World Series in over 20 years; and 2. they are in Canada.

Yankees- They have picked up the NL MVP in a trade with the Marlins. Which is strange because the Yankees aren't known for getting some of the biggest names in baseball to join their teams. Also, the Cubs would have beat them in the 2003 World Series.

Red Sox- Their in ability to make it out of the first round of the playoffs the past few years has basically made them the Nationals of the American League. The Cubs would have also beat them in the 2003 World Series.

Rays- I will never support this team since they took the Devil out of their name. I get it, some people can't support the Devil. That's fine. I am just saying that if the World Series was played on Easter, this move would have made more sense.

Orioles- I have never been to Baltimore, but I own an Orioles little league jersey. So naturally, I support them.


Central

Tigers- I have driven through Detroit, so I am #DetroitTough. I have no idea if that is a real hashtag, but I feel that it should be. Plus, I have watched the rap battles from 8 Mile like ten times, so I know what it is like to be from there.

Twins- And the twiiiiiins.





Royals- Look, I shouldn't get too invested in what teams play on their PA Systems after wins. But, the fact this team doesn't play Royals by Lorde is dumb. Adding that song to the Post-Game Party would add like five wins per year.



White Sox- More like Whit SUX. Between you and  I, it will be fun to watch some of their young players grow and develop this season. However, if you tell anyone that I will deny that and tell you the Sox are dumb for rebuilding.

Indians- Speaking of adding wins, the Indians finally are removing the racist Chief Wahoo from their hats. Look out baseball, the Indians are no longer racist.


West

Athletics- I have read and watch the movie Moneyball, which makes me like a top five A's fan. As a top five fan, I cannot name you one player on this team. Barry Zito?

Mariners- I have visited Seattle before, and seen the original Starbucks. With that said, I have a solid feeling that the Mariners are going to finish 81-81.

Astros- Have fun with that World Series Hangover!

Rangers- I have already done 14 teams on this list, and this is the fourth team that Brian Fahey has claimed to be a fan of at some point.

Angels- Need an old School Devil Rays vs Angels match up in the ALCS. Christians vs Satanist. Blood will be running in the streets. That is what baseball is all about

National League

East

Nationals- I own a shirt with the racing presidents, but don't let that fool you. Nationals fans heckled me when I saw a Cubs game there in 2016. In fact, when I was walking around DC before the game, people asked me if the Cubs were going to play scared (aka walk Bryce Harper.) I don't even hate the Nationals, but Nationals fans keep trying to fight me. Also, I know MLB.com National's Beat Writer, Jamal Collier. He never answers my mail bag questions, but I know he sees them.

Phillies- Is it weird if I get a Jake Arrieta phillies Shirt Jersey? Follow up,  are Shirt Jerseys bad? I feel like they are more comfortable and you can wear them year long. Some people shit on Shirt Jerseys and I just want to be comfortable, you know?

Braves- Another young team on this list. I actually like the Braves. Why? I don't know. It's easily one of my least favorite Pixar movies, but the team is ok. Also, I own a Braves jersey. Again, I don't know why.

Mets- Fuck Daniel Murphy. Yeah. I know he is on the Nationals. Still.

Marlins- The fact they built a beautiful home run statue, and are now going to remove it is blasphemy. Teams in Florida, man. I don't get it.

Central

Cubs- I am not bias in saying this, but this is the best group of guys out there. I can't wait to tell my kids one day about watching them win the World Series. It will be similar to the way many fathers tell their kids about the Bears winning the Super Bowl. So many books and movies will come out about that 2016 team, and I will buy them all. I don't care.

Cardinals- They hacked into the Astros database and the MLB barely did anything. Any win they have from now on should be vacated. In fact, move the team. Get rid of them.

Brewers- I hardly know hers.

Pirates- In 2013 when the Pirates faced the Cardinals in the the Post Season, the one Pirates fan I knew cursed out my girlfriend (I have a girlfriend) for being a Cardinals fan. That is the same dude who, AS A HUGE PENGUINS FAN, said he didn't really care about winning the Stanley Cup in 2016 because "he had already seen it happen." That man has ruined the entire organization for me.

Reds- Real talk, I think the Reds will surprise some people this year. However, Skyline chili is disgusting and until the remove it from their city limits, this team will NOT win a World Series #sabermetrics


West

Rockies- Their mascot is cool and they invested the term Rock-tober. So yeah, I like the Rockies.

                                                          Get Ready for Rock-tober

Padres- Before 2016, Cubs fans hated the Padres because they beat the Cubs during the 1984 postseason. What a weird city to dislike. San Diego? Imagine hating a city famous for its Zoo and the one season the Real World filmed there.

Giants- My friend Ryan and I watched the Cubs beat the Giants during the 2015 season. The Giants loaded the bases with no outs in the 9th inning, only to have Rondon strike out the side. I also lost my debit card in the morning. It's a memory I will never forget.

Dodgers- I have a friend who lives in LA and works for a film studio. I'm basically hollywood at this point.

Diamondbacks- I can never hate the Diamondbacks because they have a pool in their right field bleachers. Let me rephrase that a pool WITH A LIFEGUARD. Imagine how many kids a year come close to drowning because some tenneager is watching the game? Actually don't. That's a depressing #sabermetric

War on Bottomless Mimosas

The time has come, people of this blog, to take on an epidemic that is hurting the nation. More specifically people in their mid-twenties living in large cities. The issue is sweet. The issue can be endless. The issue is bottomless mimosas.

Because all tragedies touch people more with a personal experience, I'll share mine. Just days after my podcast co-host, Brian, told me bottomless mimosas had hurt him more times than not, I partook in a brunch celebration. By celebration, I mean my guy friends and I got brunch (aka Brunch Boyz). I was the first to arrive because I show up early for everything, and once seated I glanced through a menu trying to figure out what I would enjoy. My waitress, aka drug pusher, then informed me there was a bottomless mimosa deal for $15. thank information was the equivilant of giving me a taste of heroin. To make the situation worse, there were four different juices that went along with this deal. I couldn't not try them all. What am I, a monster?

Side note: My power ranking was Mango, Peach, Orange and Strawberry.

The deal lasted four hours, roughly 17 years in mimosa time, and ended my night short. That's right, the always exciting Oscars were cut out of my life this year because of this "deal." You can't just relive the biggest night in Hollywood.

There are a lot of problems in America, and by serving me a bottomless beverage ON A SUNDAY, you made sure that I did not buy groceries, thus hurting the economy. You made sure I didn't watch the Oscars, thus hurting ratings. You made sure I wouldn't stop talking until I fell asleep, thus hurting who ever is around me. You hurt MILLIONS of people- give or take- because of this deal.

I am a victim now of bottomless mimosas, and I have struggled with telling people about it. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday scared. Not even the late night showing of Guy's Grocery Games could make me happy.

The time is now people; it's a call to arms. No more will we let a deal ruin our days. No more will we miss out on opportunities because of one (economically) logic choice. No more will we have to drink copious amounts of champaign to power rank juices.

Again, my ranking was Mango, Peach, Orange and Strawberry. Mango is the be all end all.

I beg of you to warn your friends and children about these deals, before it is too late.

 

My Car is Haunted: Part I

Guys, it's time to address something in my life: I believe in ghosts. If that is a deal breaker with you, well, please still visit this site. Need to get those click rates up. However, you can just skim my writing, you don't have to read it.

My first experience with ghosts came when I was 7 and going to my bedroom. The house I grew up in was built in the early 1900's and was originally apartments for people. Basically, everyone had their own room and would share a bathroom. That's crazy, am I right, Ladies?!?!

Those two facts mixed together are the perfect recipe for a haunted house. Back to the night when I was 7, I looked to my left before entering my room only to see what I thought was a ghost walking towards me. I'm not kidding, this happened and I think about it daily.

The ghosts weren't dicks or anything. Many weekend nights as I was the only one still awake (night owl, what up ladies) I would hear what sounded like foot steps upstairs. I thought it was my sister, but once she moved out, I still heard the footsteps. Again, this is a fact.

Well, now I am a city boy and live outside of the dirty 847 (aka Elgin, Illinois.) No hauntings have happened in my new place, but that may be because my complex is a little younger and ghosts already have so many cool places to haunt in the city.

My new theory, though, is that when I moved out so did one off my ghost pals.

"Ghost pals? Are you kidding Kyle?"

Hell no. I addressed issues with my car yesterday. If you missed my humble brag about driving while also saving the environment, give it a once over. But basically, in the past six months, my car has broken down numerous times only to have it be completely fine the next day. I even take it to the experts, and they claim my car is fine.

Like I mentioned in my article, my car broke down on my way home two nights ago. Battery died and everything. Today, I took it to a different shop, explained my problem and waited. Well, good news, they have no idea what is wrong either. They have checked everything, and even cruised the streets to make sure it was "driving fine." I partly think they went on a Ferris Bueller type adventure with my Honda Civic, but that is a story for a different day.

via GIPHY

Now I am racking my brain to figure out what could be wrong. Faulty wiring? No one sees it. Bad luck? Athletes taught me you make your own luck. God getting his revenge after I blamed my "D+" in eighth grade science on him? This is possible, but NO.

It's ghosts. As pointed out by my girlfriend's brother, a comedy ghost with a sick sense of humor.

Why a ghost? Like I said, I grew up with these guys. When I finally decided to take the next step and move into the city, they didn't want me to leave and jumped into the car with me. I don't know a ton about ghosts, but I think they can't haunt a building they have never been in. Why a car though? Well because Cars spelled backwards is SRAC, which stands for Sabbath Rest Advent Church (in Germany) and we all know ghosts can go into any church!

My Car Ghost is the same as my House Ghost- playing tricks on me to get scared, but in the end loves me. Car Ghost wants to make sure I get places safe, but also go on an adventure every now and then. Car Ghost moved to Chicago with me to get into the hot comedy scene that is in the Second City. It is only fair of me to play along and let him (or her) chase his (or her) dream!

As always, follow your dreams, kids!

Big News: I'm a Cool Guy

I don't like throwing around the fact I have money. It's embarrassing and people often think differently of you when they realize that you have built up a savings account to a respectable level. I look at myself as en everyday man, and everyday men don't always go into their Chase Bank account multiple times a month to transfer money for fun things. 

                                                (Me after putting some money into my savings account)

If you know me, which I am sure you do because why else would you be reading this blog, you know the basics: I'm a podcaster, I'm a Bears Season Ticket Holder, I'm an NCAA Athlete, and I'm a HUGE Mascot Guy. A thing I don't often talk about though is that I am also a full-time car owner. That's right; cha boy has the title and everything. 

How so? Well, late last year, I took my annual Christmas bonus and put it towards my car payment that I had going for the last three years. My christmas gift to myself was finally saying that I owned a 2009 honda Civic- the gift that keeps on giving.

                                      (I got this year's model because, much like me, it topped out in 2009)

Yes, the car used a lot in the original Fast and Furious was now mine. I could cruise to Niles, Illinois, blasting my NPR Podcasts, knowing in the back of my mind this was my car. 

My car, though, drives me crazy. See what I did there? 

So a few years ago I popped a tire on the way to work. It was in the midst of me working about 4 part time jobs, and was just 24 hours after I had just won two Fantasy Football Championships. Just a subtle brag that I am a winner and had at that time received a good chunk of change into my bank account. That money would soon be used for a new starter, however, because after my tire was replaced, my car refused to start. 

Fast forward to the next year, where my car acted like a diva again and had some trouble running. Women, am I right? This time it was the battery, but everything was gucci once replaced. Basically, my car wanted a new outfit and I got it for her. She deserved it. 

This is when my baby truly decided to start acting her age- I have owned it for nearly 3 years so this is its terrible-twos phase.

In September, I had to give out cubs tickets because it refused to start. After that was fixed, in October because it again sounded awful when I was driving it and got more parts replaced. Then on Valentines day I had to cancel plans because it had to be towed out to where my car had been fixed before to get a new battery (by the way, this was after i had been told a week earlier by the same people that my car was fine). Then, just a few weeks before her third birthday, it died on my way home. That was last night. 

So basically, in the past 6 months has had to go in 6 times to get checked. I'm not a father, but I am pretty sure babies don't even go to the doctor that much. 

You are probably thinking "Kyle, is this another ' Why I hate Myself' blog?" No. Those are reserved for when i truly hate myself, not my bitch ass car. 

Instead, this is more of a reason to explain to you that sometimes the rich get richer. My latest car malfuntion allowed me to sign up for the getaround app- where you rent a car for super cheap. With my pick of the liter, I went for affordable, as well as enviromentally friendly car. 

That's right. I am now driving a prius with a California liscen plate. Eat your heart out. (Side note: no idea what that means.)

                                                                            (Hi Haters)

Sorry ladies, I am taken. 

Today, in the pouring rain, I drove to work almost feeling like I was cheating on my car. Sipping coffee and listening to the latest updates from cubs camp felt a little different. It felt so wrong, but yet so right. Plus, i was driving in a different area code, so it's technically not cheating. 

This morning, though,  I reflected on my car, how it has caused me to scream and punch the steering wheel, and ask God why he has done this to me. But everything happens for a reason. 

Now my baby is taking a day to rest and I am driving in luxary.

Follow your dreams, kids.