Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Why I Hate Myself: My Latest Purchase

Look. I don't normally like to be the "self-deprecating" guy who whines about everything in the world. I don't like to put myself down in normal, every day situations. Not really my style; I tend to leave that to Brian (who you can read review movies at Brianwatched.blogspot.com). However, a big life event happened, and I need to keep you guys updated on the random things I do or think. I mean, buying this blog wasn't cheap (it was free).

In my pursuit of a lifestyle change (you can learn more about it on the Thirsty Thursdays podcast), I have put some serious thoughts into biking. I have a bike that I haven really rode since 8th grade, but because that was when I really stopped growing (ladies), it still is a perfectly fine size. Plus I live in the city. If you live in a city, you like to bike. It's basically in your blood the second you sign your lease.

                                                                (Me in the near future)

I have figured out the route to my jobs via biking,  and made sure they had parking spots available for my hog, but there was still one stigma I could not get over: the bike helmet.

When you reach the age of eight, you try pretty hard to seem you. You eat candy cigarettes, drink as much mountain dew as you can, and avoid wearing bike helmets. I mean, helmets are for nerds. Wearing a helmet made you stand out when you went on your cross county adventures as a kid, and I ditched that plastic thing as soon as I could. Then, you grow up and move to the city and your girlfriend tell you that you can't bike without wearing a helmet. Just a heads up, the excuse of " I just want to feel the wind in my hair, baby" will not work. You will actually still have to buy a helmet.

                                        (This was the coolest helmet picture I could find)


So yesterday, I went to Dick's (lol) and tried on like five helmets. Nothing makes you feel weirder than standing in a Dick's, alone, looking at yourself in the mirror with multiple helmets on your head. Add in the fact that my head is larger than most (ladies), and you have the recipe for 20 minutes of awkwardly staring yourself down and wondering what the hell happened to that cool eight-year-old kid.

My journey ended as I found a black helmet that fit, but the stigma isnot going away. I will soon be judged by everyone with a car and yelled at for biking too close to them. People will soon be upset with the fact I basically run through stop signs and not follow any basic motor vehicle laws, even though I want bikers to have the same rights as everyone else on the road. I will be judged for biking in whether that people think isn't exactly "biking weather." This will all be happening as I wear a stupid helmet.

         ("They are laughing with you, not at you," I will say as I ride my bike to work late this year.)


I don't like bikers, I don't like helmets and I don't like myself at this moment for buying a helmet to bike.


          

Monday, February 19, 2018

Cubs Are All In


I mentioned Friday in my recent article about how much I hate that mascot from St. Louis that my baseball blood has begun to simmer. Boiling, though, is on the back burner. Not that I don’t love Pitchers and Catchers reporting, but everyone knows the next month will be filled with the same, tired storylines: an old player who is in the best shape of his life, minor leaguers who are going to make an impact at the major league level very soon, why this year’s team is way better or way worse than last year’s, etc.

The Cubs have made a habit of adding another story to this list of on going storylines: a team motto. In 2016, it was “Try Not to Suck,” and last year it was “That’s Cub.” Now, I enjoyed Try Not To Suck. However, That’s Cub pissed me off because, while I understood its intentions, it was now the automatic punchline for whenever the Cubs struggled. Also, it wasn’t good on a t-shirt. NEEDS to work on a t-shirt for me to rally around it.

Today, the Cubs announced their 2018 slogan- Everybody In. I’m back and forth on it. Seems simple enough, but again give me a solid t-shirt that I will honestly consider buying after a couple of beers and a close win against the Cardinals. The interesting part of this ordeal has been Cubs players posting on Social Media the slogan with their signature at the bottom, essentially signing a contract  that this year will be different. That they are committed to getting that spark back that they had in 2016

Most people consider this hoopla, and will brush it off. Me, though, well I was waiting on one person to claim he was in before I bought into the hype of this team. Not Rizzo. Not Bryant. Not even my Comeback Player of the Year candidate Jason Heyward.





That’s right. My personal Best Friend, Clark the Cub said he was in. Need I remind you that when Clark makes a promise...




 He stands by that promise?



Am I saying “buy your World Series tickets now” or “make sure you have already told your boss that you won’t be at work in November because the hungover you will have after winning the World Series will be pretty intense?"

No, but planning ahead is nice.

Friday, February 16, 2018

FBF: Trust me...

Every Friday, we here ate Write to Win are going to point out just why Fredbird, the mascot for the St. Louis Cardinals, is the worst mascot in all of sports. Read previous posts here. 

I have been lacking in my hate for Fredbird, mainly cause my lose for baseball has shielded me from disgust. With Pitchers and Catchers reporting all across Arizona and Florida, my blood began to boil. Maybe it was the fact I have been watching a lot of baseball highlights over the past few weeks. Maybe it was because I started to review mascots stats for stories that I will be releasing in March, but it hit me: YOU CAN'T TRUST FREDBIRD.





This isn't some propaganda I am trying to throw at you. But hFredBird's actual throwing stat says "Everything."

                                                       (Great photoshop by me)
       
I'm no psychiatrist, but if you can't trust a mascot, who can you trust? It goes Dog, Blogs that write about video games and mascots ad actual mascots. All three of those are sacred. 

Now, I am not a man of wealth but I have a Waterford Crystal in my possession. Why? Because my grandparents had a large collection and made me and all my cousins sign up for what we wanted before they passed away. They are still alive, but I am now reaping the benefits of saying I own a Waterford Crystal. 



Why does it matter today though? Well, if I invited FredBird over- which I would never do, but this a fun game- and I left him alone in a room with a TV, a bunch of books and my waterford crystal, wouldn't he naturally try to throw them all?


Some may say I am looking too much into this, but stats are stats. You can't tell me Babe Ruth sucked after looking at his stats. You can't say Pedor Martinez wasn't one of the most dominant pitchers after looking at his stats. Baseball arguments are built on stats, and this mascot throws everything. 

It makes me SICK to look at pictures of him holding babies or dogs knowing in his mind he wants to throw them. 





You are a sick, sick man Fredbird. 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

The BEST VALENTINES GIFT EVER.....


Ok, guys who seem to fail at being romantic, I have something to help you this valentines day. 

If your first response to that lede (nice little journalism term for you) was, "Valentine's Day is for suckers;" you are, in fact, the sucker. And now, you are a mere few days away from your weakness being exposed to the one that you love or like-like.

So, I am here to save you with the ULTIMATE gift. By the way, my blog isn't sponsored, so no one is paying for me to tell you this. However, if someone is willing to pay me, I will sell out in an instant. 




For a mere $150, you can have Dinger, the Mascot for the Rockies, make a special apperence for you!



via GIPHY

Look roses are nice and all, but they die. Facts are facts. For the cost of very expensive roses, you could have Dinger swing by, say nothing and give your special someone a little special something. I think. I don't even know what $150 gets you, but I would do this in a heart beat. 

In fact, my dream scenario is just having Dinger show up to my girlfriend's place of work, sit right behind here and just stare for like 20 minutes and leave.



via GIPHY

If you are looking to be a heartless jerk this year, have Dinger deliver a break up note. Being broken up with sucks, but having Dinger do it might ease that heart break. It's a real homerun of an idea. Get it? Because his name is Dinger? 

Only a few days, guys. Get in on this deal! 

Side nore: Jesus Christ, I miss baseball. 

Heisman Hunt: Illinois vs. Everybody

Taken for the pages of the Daily Illini after a BIG win against a top 25 Iowa team

The Fighting Illini Football team by all accounts have surprised the fan base this season. Scratch that, the Big Ten. Actually, probably both.

Still, the 5-1 team that battled past Indiana in a surprising shoot-out and is led by a running back who is in the top 5 of the Heisman race and a Freshman Quarterback that may join him soon, is not ranked. Just think, weeks ago any one would have been happy with bowl eligibility. 

While a few weeks ago, after defeating Iowa, the locker room seem to have a chip on their shoulder about the lack of national attention. Now, they are taking it a step further. 

"We are pissed. Hell. I am pissed," Milnamow said. "We fight hard every week, and have had some big wins on the road and at home. One loss, that we have put in our rearview mirror, seems to be all people think about."

The loss Milnamow is referring to is the one back in September against Cal- who at the time was in the top 25. Milnamow threw 4 picks and the Illini still had a chance in the 2nd half to make some noise. However, the fact Marshawn Lynch had some big runs in the red zone, hurt the Illini that night. And Milnamow thinks it still hurts them to this minute. 

While Milnamow claims he wears that loss more than others, Coach Ron Zook thinks he should be careful with his frustration. 

"I know he is still upset, and that is fine," Zook said. "He shouldn't be yelling at the media though. He needs to continue to show it on the field."

Milnamow certainly isn't the only one upset about the lack of ranking. He is the first one to speak.

"This isn't me having a big head, but me letting the world know we are here," Milnamow said. "No one should take us lightly."

HB-30, number two in the Heisman race leading up to the home game agianst Penn State, stands behind his quarterback on the field. Right now, he is on the sidelines for this conversation. 

"I get where (Kyle) is coming from, but at this time I would like to just talk about the game against Penn State," HB-30 said. "Now is the time to focus on taking down Penn State and historic coach Joe Paterno."

The conversation will not stop this week or next week or the week after. Milnamow isn't happy until the school her grew up loving starts getting the "love" he feels they deserve. 

"These are my brothers and I will fight for this team until I have nothing left to give," Milnamow said. "Penn State and their fine program better be ready. We are ready to fight."

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Heisman Hunt: Fresh-meat

Last time I checked in from the dorms in the six-pack at the University of Illinois, I was just named the starter for the Fighting Illini football team. From walk on to all-star- basically the next Rudy except I was not offsides. It was quite the summer, but those dog days have passed and my freshman season has been equally as exciting.

I won’t bore you with the book talk, but let me just say that I am also a stud in the classroom. Most people think student athletes just go to workouts and practice during the week, but it’s so much more than that. And I am excelling in that area.

Speaking of areas I have been excelling in, my huddle presence- if I can talk myself up a little bit- has been great. The boys and I have had to learn how to fight together, especially in our first two games.

Hosting Rutgers and San Jose State gave myself the opportunity to get a taste of the pace of play for big time college games. Were there growing pains so to say? For sure.

But both victories were a breeze, thanks in large part to HB30.  I don’t want to hype him up too much, but he should see be in New york later this Year, striving for that Heisman. A leader on the field and in the locker room, it’s no surprise to me that he has racked up over 100 yards both games.

This set up a running back match up between HB30 and Marshawn Lynch, who I think has a bright future in the NFL. And I have tried to stay humble through this whole experience, but I’ll admit that night in California led to some poor decisions.

I forced a couple of throws. I changed the offensive gameplan from run to pass. I made us lose our first game of the year, on national TV.  It makes it worse that it was a team that offered me a full ride, and I turned them down to stay home. To build up a program that had never been seen before.

But, as the poster in my door says, “You have to fall sometimes to prove you can get back up.” No better chance to do that than in the film room and against Big Ten Football teams.

Sure enough, we took on Michigan State at home to kick off B1G schedule and I have never been more ready to play a game. Kick off could have been scheduled 2:30 Monday afternoon, and I would have taken the field. I would have said earlier, but I had some exams earlier in the day, and I can’t skip those. Student comes before athlete.

It took a while to get going, but the ground game got going. Once the linebackers crept up, I dropped back and tore apart the safeties. We back in the win column, keeping our undefeated record at home, which I would argue is the most important thing in a rebuilding franchise.

But, you want to be a road warrior as well. Being 0-1 on the road in my career was hanging over my head as we prepared for a game against #7 Iowa.

While I would like to break down exactly what happened, I think my friends at the Daily Illini put it perfectly.


OSKEE WOW-WOW: Illinois wins big on the Road

Ron Zook came to Illinois this past winter promising to bring Illinois football back to a level where it could compete with some of the best teams in the Big Ten. While many believed him, no one thought it would take just a few months for those words to be true.

Illinois traveled to Iowa for its second game against a ranked opponent in three weeks. This one faired a little better than the first one. Ok, a lot better.

Freshman Kyle Milnamow, who threw four interceptions against Cal back in Week Three, threw four over 400 yards against a top 5 defense. While a few of those yards came in garbage time, a few deep strikes in the second half helped the Illini pull away in the third quarter.

Responsible for two touchdowns through the air, two on the ground, and even one 2-point conversion in the first half, Milnamow seems ready for the spotlight.

"This was exactly what this locker room needed," Milnamow said. " The receivers played well all night and helped set us up for some great scoring opportunities. And what more can I say about HB 30? He just continues to break long runs that opens things up for me."

While it took a couple of quarters for the running game to open up, HB 30 broke a couple of big runs late and has been placed in the top 5 in Heisman Candidates this past week.

"I was surprised it took this long for the recognition," Zook said. "He leads the nation in rushing touchdowns as well as rushing yards. He has made us look better each week."

That wasn't the only national recognition Illinois would recieve this week. Milnamow received his first Big Ten player of the week honors, as well as national offensive player of the week honors after his performance in Des Moines.

"After Cal, Coach Zook sat me down and gave me the confidence I needed to get back on track," said Milnamow. "Then, we have that big win at night against MSU, and I just felt we were coming in to a better situation than week 3.

"Overall though, (the national player of the week) award deserves to go to my O-line for the protection they gave me all game, my receivers for making some big catches late and, of course, HB 30 who had over 150 yards rushing AGAIN."

An easier test awaits the illini this week as the host Indiana at home this Saturday. The team though is still thirsty, finding motivation in the lack of respect from the latest rankings.


"Numbers are just numbers, but we felt we should be nationally recognized," Milnamow said. "But we know we still have a tall mountain to climb and ready to prove that we won't let the fans down this week."

Thursday, February 1, 2018

MASCOT NEWS: New Indian Mascot

As the official Mascot blog for the Chicagoland area, it pains me to see that I missed out on some Major Mascot news in the last week. What am I doing with my life? Why am I blowing it at this fake title that I have given myself?

However, as the old slogan goes- you have to dust yourself off, and try to prove to everyone you are the mascot-appreciator you claim to be. So here I am, a new man with news to report.

The Atlanta Braves have gotten a new Mascot. That’s right, an Indian-themed team is finally making news in the mascot world. His name is Blooper and he was introduced recently at the Atlanta Braves winter fan fest.



Blooper, from the looks of it, does not have the make-up of a regular mascot. I don't know what he is, and unlike mascots with the White Sox, Phillies and Red Sox- he isn't even colorful. Tan is not a good look in a mascot. Plus, speaking of the Phillies, he is the Dollar Store version of the phanitic. Stealing the playbook from your division rival does not always work.



However, as I mentioned with my love of Clark the Cub, everything lies in the stats. That is where most ballplayers truly shine. So it is time for some advanced analytics. I judge mascots with a simple yet complicated Thumbs up/ Thumbs down formula.

Full Name: BLOOPER- I don't want to judge a book by its cover, but keeping it to one name, plus having that name all in caps seems obnoxious to me. Thumbs down.


via GIPHY
                                                                                                                    
Height: Can you measure fun?- Great question. This seems like the perfect answer for someone who is really tall. Thumbs up.
Weight: He doesn't like waiting...- Alright, we get it. You are wacky. I am starting to see why his name is all in caps. I will go with a thumbs up, but tread lightly my friend.
MLB Debut: January 27, 2018- Mozart, The Captain of the Titanic and Blooper- get used to saying those three names together because they all share a birthday. When the history books are written, it will be interesting to see who gets more page credit in the back of the book. HUGE Thumbs up.
Number: #00 in your program, #1 in your heart- A little cockiness from the Tan-man. I like it. Plus, an Atlanta Braves team going through a rebuild needs a fan favorite. A guy you can just expect to be on the lineup card when you show up to the ball park. Thumbs Up
Favorite Colors: Navy BLOO, scarlet red, white- I don't get the BLOO part, and it is really making me angry that I don't get it. Thumbs Down.
Position: Center of Attention- This is such a baby child answer that it makes me angry to be the youngest in my family. Thumbs down.
Bats: Scared of them- God damn right. Fuck bats. Remember that horror movie Bats? I do. Also Jumanji? Bats are the fucking WORST. Stay woke. Thumbs Up.
Throws: T-shirts- Solid answer. You know what you are getting out of him. Thumbs up.
Resides: In his own bungalow-I feel like they are pigeonholing him with a bungalow. However, I do appreciate they stayed away from the “Clubhouse” zinger here and now they have a marketable playhouse for kids to visit. Thumbs Up.
7/3 spilt here. Above average stats. My worry is his clubhouse presents. Seems like he is going to be a little too zany for the folks in Hot-lanta. Nothing makes me angrier than watching a struggling team on the field, only to have a giant whatever in my face trying to be funny. If he can learn that jokes come naturally, which every rookie needs to know, it will be big. Also, weight may be a concern considering his favorite food is "see-food"- if he sees food he will eat it.



MLB Comparison- Bartolo Cologne.



via GIPHY