As the official Mascot blog for the Chicagoland area, it
pains me to see that I missed out on some Major Mascot news in the last week.
What am I doing with my life? Why am I blowing it at this fake title that I
have given myself?
However, as the old slogan goes- you have to dust yourself
off, and try to prove to everyone you are the mascot-appreciator you claim to
be. So here I am, a new man with news to report.
The Atlanta Braves have gotten a new Mascot. That’s right,
an Indian-themed team is finally making news in the mascot world. His name is
Blooper and he was introduced recently at the Atlanta Braves winter fan fest.
Blooper, from the looks of it, does not have the make-up of
a regular mascot. I don't know what he is, and unlike mascots with the White
Sox, Phillies and Red Sox- he isn't even colorful. Tan is not a good look in a
mascot. Plus, speaking of the Phillies, he is the Dollar Store version of the
phanitic. Stealing the playbook from your division rival does not always work.
However, as I mentioned with my love of Clark the Cub,
everything lies in the stats. That is where most ballplayers truly shine. So it
is time for some advanced analytics. I judge mascots with a simple yet
complicated Thumbs up/ Thumbs down formula.
Full Name: BLOOPER- I don't want to judge a book by its
cover, but keeping it to one name, plus having that name all in caps seems obnoxious
to me. Thumbs down.
via GIPHY
Height: Can you measure fun?- Great question. This seems
like the perfect answer for someone who is really tall. Thumbs up.
Weight: He doesn't like waiting...- Alright, we get it. You
are wacky. I am starting to see why his name is all in caps. I will go with a
thumbs up, but tread lightly my friend.
MLB Debut: January 27, 2018- Mozart, The Captain of the
Titanic and Blooper- get used to saying those three names together because they
all share a birthday. When the history books are written, it will be
interesting to see who gets more page credit in the back of the book. HUGE
Thumbs up.
Number: #00 in your program, #1 in your heart- A little
cockiness from the Tan-man. I like it. Plus, an Atlanta Braves team going
through a rebuild needs a fan favorite. A guy you can just expect to be on the
lineup card when you show up to the ball park. Thumbs Up
Favorite Colors: Navy BLOO, scarlet red, white- I don't get
the BLOO part, and it is really making me angry that I don't get it. Thumbs
Down.
Position: Center of Attention- This is such a baby child
answer that it makes me angry to be the youngest in my family. Thumbs down.
Bats: Scared of them- God damn right. Fuck bats. Remember
that horror movie Bats? I do. Also Jumanji? Bats are the fucking WORST. Stay
woke. Thumbs Up.
Throws: T-shirts- Solid answer. You know what you are
getting out of him. Thumbs up.
Resides: In his own bungalow-I feel like they are pigeonholing
him with a bungalow. However, I do appreciate they stayed away from the
“Clubhouse” zinger here and now they have a marketable playhouse for kids to
visit. Thumbs Up.
7/3 spilt here. Above average stats. My worry is his
clubhouse presents. Seems like he is going to be a little too zany for the
folks in Hot-lanta. Nothing makes me angrier than watching a struggling team on
the field, only to have a giant whatever in my face trying to be funny. If he
can learn that jokes come naturally, which every rookie needs to know, it will
be big. Also, weight may be a concern considering his favorite food is
"see-food"- if he sees food he will eat it.
MLB Comparison- Bartolo Cologne.
via GIPHY
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