As the internet's self-appointed mascot spokesperson, I would like to comment on a photo going around of one Geoffery the Giraffe.
As many of you know, Toys R Us officially closed the door to all their stores this year. Yes, the place that once told me that they did not have any more Wii's left in stock somehow closed down. But, that is not the point. Today, Geoffery the Giraffe, whom (no idea if that is the correct usage) served as the face of the company, wished us all one more farewell before he was forced into retirement. Now, legally I cannot talk to Geoffery because he is a giraffe, and giraffes don't talk. But I feel he wants everyone to know he loves them and thanks them for the years of support. Of course he is rocking his retirement Hawaiian shirt, letting people know he is heading to his town home in Florida to share stories and dad jokes to all whom (is this one correct? Jesus. Elementary school taught me nothing) will listen. His suitcase, filled with memories and quite possibly the largest selection of WWE action figures this side of the Mississippi, is all he has left from years of hard work. The least the company could have done was get him a gold watch. It's tough to see someone you respect so much have to retire in disgrace. But, as the World of Mascots takes one on the chin today, lets not forget the true enemy in all of this: Fred Bird.
I don't know how he did it, but he single handedly ruined Toys R Us to try and rid the world of Mascots. You selfish bird. R.I.P GtG.
Once a year, Fathers are celebrated for the hard work they
do and the thankless tasks they perform to provide for their families. It’s a
magical day called Father’s Day. However, when your dad is dead, it’s basically a
waste of a day.
The weeks leading up to Father’s Day are basically a
constant reminder of what you don’t have. Everyone out there waving their
fathers in your face, and there is nothing you can do about it. People are just
like rich kids after Christmas bragging about their new toys, while your toy is
dead.
No worries though. You don’t want to let this day go to
waste! So here is how you can celebrate Father’s Day if you are Father-less.
Number 1: Thank Your Mom For Everything
While I’m largely kidding for a lot of this, I want to get
serious here. Mom’s put up with a lot of shit and even more when the person
they love is no longer there to help. So, each year I do wish my mom a Happy
Father’s Day because she deserves it. Yeah, she never taught me how to throw a
ball or change my oil and she never even took me to a strip club, but she did a
lot of good and I can’t thank her enough.
Number 2: Guilt Your Friends
Ok, now back to the real advice. Having friends be supportive when you lose a love one is
what helps you get through a tough situation. However, if you want to keep your
head above water during a holiday that is a constant reminder of what you are
missing, remind your friends they are being rude.Seeing a ton of Instagram or Facebook posts?
Shoot them a little “Seems like a fun” comment. They can’t go to the bar
because they are going to visit their dad? Let them know vie text that “it must
be nice to do that” while you are drinking alone. They are really proud of the
gift they got their father? Let them know the last gift your dad got was
“Welcome to Mooseheart” on DVD. Either way, make it known that you are thinking of their happiness while reflecting on your sadness.
Number 3: Call It A Commercial Holiday
Every year when Valentine’s Day roles around, single people
everywhere preach to the world about how it’s a “made up holiday for people
dating someone.” Jokes on you assholes now. Father’s Day is just a way for
company’s to promote their products on podcasts and make you buy shit your dad
will not care about in a week. All this “holiday” is missing is a color being
over user in every commercial/ card.
Also, little hat tip to John Gariety and Brian Fahey who
pointed out that you can take advantage of Father’s Day Deals for yourself. That's truly the best of both worlds.
Number 4: Do Nothing
This is my favorite thing about Father’s Day now-a-days. You
can just fucking lay around, and do nothing and not feel bad. I live in the
city and getting out to the suburbs is really not that difficult but I will
complain about it when I have to. Come June 17th, my ass will be parked on the
couch, watching baseball and eating wings- it’s basically the equivalent of my celebrating
Super Bowl Sunday since I don’t have a dog in the fight.
Number 5: If You Are In High School and Your Girlfriend Keeps Trying To Hang Out And Ditch Her Father on Father’s Day, Even After You Kept Telling Her That She Should Be With Her Family, Yell At Her.
Maybe this one is just for me. To be fair, she wouldn’t
stop trying to hang out with me and was interrupting step number four.
Like eating a REESE'S, there is truly no wrong way to celebrate Father's Day if you are Father-less. You can also do chores and make yourself seem busy, but that
sounds like too much work. Just enjoy the day, snag some rad deals on golf clubs and remember to follow step number
two.
There are certain movies that audiences will reflect
on years after they are released and say that they “defined their generations.”
A few examples that come to mind are Stand By Me, Superbad, Daddy Day Care, etc.
In the 80’s, John Hughes films ruled the
world, and on June 11th 1986, his latest creation- Ferris Bueller’s
Day Off debuted in theaters. While “The Breakfast Club” is more the “defining a
generation” movie, for the sake of the article I will say Ferris has been said
to be in that rhelm too,.
Ferris Bueller is that film you watch in high
school and think “OH MAN! This could be me and my friends. This is the coolest!”
And then you grow up, only to have your friends become teachers, and think that the kids in this movie are
really rude to the people trying to help them! Also, you get a little peeved
that your tax dollars are going towards the government getting someone to write
“Get Well, Ferris” on a water tower.
Though the movie is still fine with me,
something was brought to my attention that should go on Ferris’ Permanent
Record (GET IT! LIKE SCHOOL! 9 TIMES!)
Bueller? ... Bueller? “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” hit theaters on this day in 1986! pic.twitter.com/v8D79mybo8
Yes, yesterday was the anniversary of the day
the movie came out. In my dumb brain, I thought it would be funny to see what
other movies came out that day and wish them a happy birthday. When I googled
this piece of information, I realized no other movie came out that day.
“Odd,” I said to myself in my lonely cubicle.
I then googled “June 11th- 1986 and
GUESS WHAT. That’s a fucking Wednesday! If your movie comes out on a Wednesday,
you should not be allowed to be a classic. You get a leg up on everyone because
you were early! Ferris is defined as this rebel without a cause (another movie
that defined a generation), but he is actually that nerd that sits in the front
of the class to get more attention.
Wednesday is easily a top 3 worst day of the
week. Coming out on a Wednesday just means you are taking advantage of
everyone’s misery. You are taking money from people trying to find some sort of
light in their week.
While we praise this movie, “Back To School” also
debuted that week, made more money at the box office and played the game the
right way.
Maybe this does define the generation.
Skipping out on a hard days work and then stealing people’s money! This movie
is technically a millennial and as a millennial I AM FURIOUS that I am now
grouped with this movie. Sure, I may have killed fast food restaurants and cable
TV, but being in the same class with this movie is truly the worst thing to be
associated with.
I don’t know if you guys know this, but Summer is coming quick.
Most people will say it has already begun, what with Memorial day passing
and schools finishing up. Not me. I’m a calendar guy, through-and-through.
Calendar Guys are rare, but we are the people who look
forward to every leap year, know the importance of every holiday- large or
small-, and cut all ties with friends and family back in December of 2012.
Being a Calendar Guy, I know summer actually starts June 21st.
But I know some people have Antz (the famous Woody Allen movie) in their
pants, and want a taste of what's to come. So, I have the perfect thing
for you anxious people… THE DRINK OF THE SUMMER 2018!
Recently on a bachelor party, my friend Brian Fahey and I
were just enjoying some drinks by the pool. We weren’t looking for the Drink of the Summer,
but Columbus wasn’t looking for America and Woody Allen wasn’t looking to make
the best animated movie focusing entirely on Antz, but both seem pretty happy
about where they ended up. Brian and I both drink, so I think we are qualified to make decisions on what is good and what is not good.
But after a few sips, Brian and I had figured out what will be the this year's DRINK OF THE SUMMER. Drum roll please…
VODKA LEMONADES
Look, you may not have heard about this drink before, biut
it’s surprisingly simply to make.
HOW TO MAKE THE DRINK OF THE SUMMER:
What you need:
- Ice - Drinking Glass
- Vodka (any brand)
- Lemonade (story bought or home made)
Directions:
1. Fill up your ice tray with H20 (water), and wait for it to
freeze in your freezer.
2. While it freezes, run to the store to pick up your lemonade
and Vodka. Lemonade is normally in the drink section and vodka is normally in
the alcohol section.
3. If you run into someone you know at the store, don’t let
them know what you are making. They may want to hang out and steal some of your
Vodka Lemonade.
4. Once you get home, check the ice. It may still need some
time. If that is the case, watch Season two of "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix.
5. After the final episode, while you are contemplating if you
spent your time wisely, pull the ice out of the freezer.
6. Put the ice in a glass. The number of cubes is up to you. I
usually like to fill the glass entirely with Ice to make it cold and
refreshing.
7. Fill about half the glass with the vodka. Feeling
dangerous? Fill the entire glass with vodka!
8. Fill the rest of the glass with
Lemonade! If you felt dangerous before, still throw a splash of lemonade in so you aren't the weirdo drinking just vodka on ice.
9. Finally, clear your schedule because you are now
the mayor of Vodka Lemonade Town and the population is just you.
Enjoy summer folks. Highly recommend, again, waiting until
June 21st to enjoy (responsibly) one of these beauties, but you could always go
for a test run. Tweet @kylemil99 every time you have a vodka lemonade too! I
will shamelessly retweet it.
Look, not every monumental season starts off well. I could
throw you a bunch of clichés about athletes who failed to live up to
expectations in their first game only to have fantastic careers. That would
make it seem like I am deflecting though.
I knew a key way for me, to get on base was taking pitches
and hitting the ball on the ground. I did one of those things a lot and did the
other one zero times.
Just in case you are wondering, We Got Runs lost in five
innings, but that is not the point. My quest for the .750 On-Base Percentage
(OBP) is also at an 0-fer at the moment. But, as always, stats don’t tell the
whole story.
First off, the team we were playing took batting practice
for a while before the game. That seemed unfair considering our team had to hustle to make it on time since we have
jobs. Whatever.
Another little side note but since no one will talk about my
fielding, I made 2 good plays and 1 bad play; solid fielding percentage. Also,
I went after a pop fly that I had no chance of catching. The ball hit the line,
but thanks to our first baseman shielding the ump and me throwing my hands in
the air, that ball was called foul. You don’t see that type of softball smarts
in the stats sheet. But defense is not the name of the game this season.
At bat number 1
With a runner on first, and no one out, the team was down
2-1. They needed some production at the plate. Hitters in front of me were jumping
on the first pitch with plenty of positive results, so I felt the needed to do
the same. I hit the ball on the ground to the left side. I respected 90, and
got to first. Sad part was, their infield was able to get the lead runner out
at second for the first out of the inning. The next batter grounded out as
well, but I got to second base before there could a play. Again, the infield
was able to get an out on a ground ball.
With two down and a runner on second, our 10-hole hitter knocked
a base hit to left field. Our third base coach, conveniently in the dug out on
the first base side, told me to go home and I turned the jets on.
Was I willing to run over the catcher? Yes. We needed that
run. Lucky for him, the throw got away and I scored.
I looked it up later and none of this counts towards my OBP.
It does show, though, that I have speed that needs to be respected.
At bat number 2
A tougher situation came around in my next at bat. We had
two down, and were trailing by a few runs. Again, there was a runner on first,
but this time he would be leaving on contact.
In my first at bat, I noticed the pitcher was throwing a
little short, causing me to heave at the ball. I went up to the plate, with the
mindset of taking a couple of pitches to allow the hitter behind me the chance
to pick up his first RBI of the season.
Naturally, I swung on the first pitched and hit a bouncer
back to the pitcher. Again, I respected 90, but was thrown out at first.
The game was called after the other team got up 10 in the
fifth, so I never got my third at-bat.
Overall, not the best start. I can admit that. But the
season is not one game long. I know what to expect and I have a strategy for my
next game. If anything, this is going to be a game other softball players think
about when they start the season off rough and are looking for something
positive to turn it all around.
